IC Contact

[pluggedintheoverlord]

 

"Hey, this is Joker.  Leave a message and I might get back to you.  Unless you're trying to sell me something or I really just don't feel like talking to you-- in that case, take a hint and quit calling me."

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[ACTION]

[pluggedintheoverlord]

[He listened, quiet for once, while Gunny talked. There were times when he wanted to interrupt-- why weren't the asari evacuating you? why didn't Dad put you on the first shuttle to Sur'Kesh? why were there only two asari out of all the commandos there?-- but he bit the inside of his cheek to stop himself, to make sure she finished. Interruptions would only make it harder for her to talk.]

[The further she went into the events, the more his stomach twisted into cold knots. He could tell by her pale face and the strain in her voice and from every tense inch of her that this story wasn't going to have a happy ending. Everything that he'd been afraid of since he'd heard that Tiptree had been invaded was going to be revealed as truth, right now. No amount of psychological resistance training or ruthless calculus could have prepared him for this.]

[His baby sister had been dying on Tiptree, crushed by the biotics of a woman she'd thought would save her. Probably had died there of her injuries.]

[And it was his fault.]

[She was sitting here, in front of him, curled in on herself and shaking, but only because of whatever bullshit had brought Mordin back when he was supposed to be dead, and Thane. If she ever left-- if she was ever wormholed like Shepard just was-- then she would be right back to dying, to dead. And it was all because he put his duty over his family and didn't say a word when he heard that Tiptree was attacked; if he had only said something, he knew as sure as fucking breathing that Shepard would have gone to help. But he had decided that it was too dangerous, that they had too many more important missions to do to risk Shepard's life and the lives of the squad and the ship itself to go save a few colonists on an ass-backwards planet.]

[She'd been right when she blamed him for their father's death. He was responsible for hers, too.]

[Joker's face was a blank slate. He had the horrible urge to leave, to get up and get out the door because he was fairly certain that knowing that he was the reason his family was dead was going to make him crack, and he couldn't show that in front of Gunny. He was her big brother, he was supposed to take care of her and make things right, except that he had so completely fucked this up that there was no possible way for it ever to be right. Everything was wrong and that one hope that he'd been holding onto throughout the whole goddamn war, that at least his sister would be okay, was gone. He wanted to hit something until his hand broke, because he could deal with that kind of pain; he couldn't deal with the kind that was squeezing like a vice in his chest.]

[He should say something. He just doesn't have any idea of what could possibly be said to this, or if he could even get any words out considering the fact that it felt like his throat had closed up. This wasn't okay, and she wasn't okay, and nothing at all about this was okay, and Joker didn't know what he was supposed to do.]

[He reached out and hesitated a few inches away from her, then put a hand on her back and could feel her shaking. He had to do something, something.]

[His voice came out in a tight, hoarse croak.] Gunny.

[ACTION]

[withastick]

[Instinct took over once Gunny's ability to reason exhausted itself on retelling her story]

[The hand on her back was all the invitation she needed to half crawl, half stumble forward into Joker's torso, her arms wrapped around his middle and her face pressed into his chest. Gunny let herself cry harder-- there really wasn't any reason to try and seem brave anymore.]

[ACTION]

[pluggedintheoverlord]

[He took her weight when she fell against him, arms wrapping around her like he had any right to protect her after being pretty much the reason that she was hurt in the first place. It wasn't too long before his shirt started to feel damp from where she was crying into it, and he let her.]

[Joker held her, tight enough that the bones in his arms ached from the pressure, tucked his face into her hair and just held on.]

I'm sorry, Gunny. I'm so sorry.

[He could be as sorry as he liked; he knew it wasn't worth jack or shit, nevertheless jackshit. Sorry wouldn't make anything different.]

[ACTION]

[withastick]

[Being this close where her head could rise and fall with every breath her brother took, where she could hear his heartbeat and somewhat lose herself in the idea that as long as he was here, everything would turn out fine, lulled her into a sense of security that she hadn't allowed in far too long.]

[A while passed until Gunny trusted herself to speak, and even then it was through hiccups muffled by Joker's shirt. Her eyes were sore, no doubt red and puffy as well, so she kept them closed and focused once more on the rhythmic, if not somewhat strained thumping]

Don't be sorry.

Dad said... Dad said that the Alliance wouldn't have let you come get us. That they wouldn't tell you because you'd be on a mission involving family. S'not your fault.

[ACTION]

[pluggedintheoverlord]

[He rubbed her back in slow circles until she finished crying, one of those mindless, universal comforting gestures and really the only thing he could think to do. He wasn't good at comfort, and that hadn't changed in the past five minutes.]

[Joker closed his eyes when he heard that lie-- they stung-- and wasn't sure if he hated his father for putting that lie in his mouth or was glad for it. It was an excuse, a way out, and even if it wasn't true, who cared? The truth was shit and she'd been hurt enough already, so didn't she deserve the merciful lie?]

[Could it really do any more harm?]

Yeah. [His voice was tight, and it was hard to get words out still.] I hadn't even heard about it yet. They never told me.

[ACTION]

[withastick]

[Gunny had no reason to disbelieve him, and couldn't help but mistake the guilt in his voice for sorrow, which, in turn, only provoked her own guilt for putting the blame on her brother when, as far as she knew, he didn't deserve it.]

M'Sorry you had to find out like this.

[ACTION]

[pluggedintheoverlord]

Don't be.

[That came out sharper than he'd meant; she shouldn't apologize to him for this. For any of it. Not when it was really all his fault.]

[ACTION]

[withastick]

[The tone made Gunny flinch for a moment, but, just as quickly, she relaxed. She was simply tired of the perpetual tenseness that came with anxiety and living in a constant state of nervousness]

[Outside of the occasional sniffle, she fell silent, counting on her brother's closeness to keep her calm for the time being]

[ACTION]

[pluggedintheoverlord]

[There wasn't anything that he could say that would make this okay, or even just slightly less awful; there weren't any diagrams about how to comfort your dead little sister and not fuck things up. Most people probably assumed that things on that end would've been sorted out already, considering the nature of the problem.]

[Goddamn war.]

[For lack of anything better, he held onto her.]

[ACTION]

[withastick]

[Gunny's shuddering sighs quieted down after a while (minutes, hours, she couldn't tell), but the silence made her uneasy. Her fingers curled into the fabric of Joker's shirt while her tired mind tried to fill the lull with the first thing that came to it]

I'm scared, Jeff.

I don't want to go home.